I could have washed dishes...or worked… or anything else “productive”.
But, my schedule said to paint.
I just sat there for 10 minutes...thinking of how much of a waste of an afternoon it would be.
20 years ago, this back and forth pull would not have been so challenging. 15 year old Maile still identified as an artist...and an artist creates art because it’s who they are.
The guilt I feel (and the fear I feel) when “time to paint” comes up in my schedule, is what seems so interesting to me. I imagine this must be why we put away parts of ourselves.
I used to think it was just the desire to achieve a different goal getting in our way of past passions. But what I am discovering...is that sometimes we put away parts of ourself, because we have chosen to believe that it is dangerous to our future… or worthless to our future.
Am I alone here?
I don’t think so… so I’ll keep going.
I remembered that I’d picked up a book on contemporary Chinese artists… when I picked it up, I remembered that I’d specifically marked 2 pages. I liked the style… I thought I could make them happen.
These paintings looked like I could use the bigger brush strokes...and water down my acrylics and paint on canvas.
In the one formal watercolor painting lesson I had with my Papa (grandfather, Henry Inouye)... he told me needed to use a bigger brush….and I needed to stop with all the fine detail. He showed me how he let the watercolors flow, and then went back in with ink or crayon.
He painted me a small sunset right there...with trees. I used his picture as the inspiration for my own version that day.
It took having a friend in mind.. for me to pick up the paint brush that afternoon.
And as soon as the picture had a home to go to...it felt like the art had a purpose.
I could see it on the wall.
The first painting that afternoon led to a second that evening...when my son unexpectedly got invited to stay with his grandmother.
But I went through the battle all over again for the second painting.
So I picked another friend...imagined it on their wall...and picked up the paint brush again.
Everlasting Spring was the name the original artist gave the painting.
The name has stuck with me.
We can’t always stay in springtime...winter is necessary.
But could we commit to allowing spring everyday?
Could we invite growth and newness into our schedules?
Could we give spring a permanent home… a place on our wall?
I am a strength and conditioning coach.
I am Jacob’s mom.
But is that all?
Are we just our job?
Are we just our family’s title of us?
Are we stuck in the routines of these titles?
Are we stuck in these rhythms?
Or are we alive?
Or are we free to grow?
I never have all of the answers for you.
But I do always share where I am.
And this winter… I am preparing for everlasting spring.
I am opening up to the possibility that these titles do not define my day.
I am who I chose to be each day. I am who I show to you.
What would it look like, for you to allow growth this year?
What would it look like, for you to allow yourself the freedom to do what feels good to you?
Winter is here… but spring is coming soon.
I am excited for 2018 my friends… my love to you this new year… Let’s grow.