 My painting for Cherae. Who always encourages me to be free :) I’ll admit I was a bit blindsided. My first instinct was to search for where I had been wrong or insensitive...or to go after her (as I’ve done before). I read through my journal. I read my old blogs. I went over my memories of conversations and outings. I went over multiple conversations I’ve had with Barbara (my therapist) for the past year. I found what I was looking for within the first 5 minutes...but I kept looking throughout the next two days... to be sure. It’s all becoming pretty clear now. She gave me the freedom I’d been asking her for. But, she also gave me what I’d feared most… her complete withdrawal from my life.  This one is for me... “Hey, sorry I just missed your call. I’m with someone now and can’t talk.” I text her, (within minutes of her phone call). “I forgot you didn’t have a time block for me today. “ She text back. “ Go ahead and take me out of your rotation.” “I do need to keep my schedule if at all possible. It’s the only time I have this week. ” I text back. “Ok, good for you. But I’m now ceasing communication with you. Good luck. I hope your schedule works out.” She sent in her final message.  Ink first... And, I guess that’s it now. I’ve waited for pain and the tears to come… but all I have is unanswered questions. Was she always like this, and I didn’t see it? Was she ever my best friend? Has she lost her mind? Is she going to come back?  I’ve realized now, four days later… that getting the answers to those questions will not help anything. Why did I fight my freedom from her friendship? Why did I feel like I was wrong... for not being what she wanted me to be? Why did give her the power... to make me feel like what had to give her, was not good enough?  This is not the first time something like this has happened over the last 2 years. It seems that every few weeks, my “schedule” is a sore point for someone close to me in my life. I find myself every few weeks, going through this agonizing process of explaining that things can no longer be how they were. What does freedom in a relationship mean to me? It is the ability to change who I am and what I’m doing...and still be loved. It is the ability to come and go on my grand adventures… and still be loved. It is the comfort of knowing, that I am not responsible for someone else's happiness. So why would I fight against this freedom? Why would I willingly entwine myself with a multitude of people, who discourage me from becoming more and more of myself? Is it possible to be scared of freedom? Is it possible to feel safer in the confines of a suffocating relationship? Is it possible that we would fight freedom...thinking it would cause pain? Yes. I’m sure you’ve done this too. I didn’t know I’d have the courage to write this blog… out of fear of losing more “friends”. But, I do have the courage. Finally... I am going to appear to “change” continuously. But what I’ve found is that I’m not really changing. I’m revealing who I am inside. I’m revealing what I want for my life. I’m revealing the passion that I’ve been stuffing into the corner… in order to be accepted. Barbara has said over the last year, that the more I reach out to others for new friendship… the less alone I will feel. She is right. I don’t feel alone today. I feel free. I’m not going to fight against this gift anymore. That is always my hope for you.
I want you to be free to change and grow...and do all the things that give you life. If they really love you... they will let you breathe... they will let you grow. Much love to you my friends.
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